Sometimes I feel we trap ourselves in this dichotomy of being either one who suffers or being one who helps. It gets tough to separate from the identity with which we label ourselves and accept that we may fill different roles throughout our lives, sometimes at the same time. We are not born into one category.
Yet, I know I personally have always told myself that I was “a helper.” I have assumed I cannot suffer if there are people close to me suffering more. But the more I force this identity, the less confident I become in it, and the more I realize I need inspiration and support, too.
I have listened to this song both through the eyes of a helper and the eyes of someone in need of help. The words feel different through each mindset, but have taught me that holding to just one framework is unhealthy. When I listen to this song, it becomes a conversation between both parts of myself—the side that needs help, and the side that offers it.
LYRICS: “I’ve never been the kind that you want on your side. I’m always the first one to hide. When things get heavy, I run to survive.”
I can’t deal with any of this anymore. I’m tired. I don’t know why anyone would want my help. I can’t even seem to help myself.
You are needed by my side. Neither of us should be alone through this. You are allowed to lean on me, you know.
“When I see you, you make me want to believe I am a fighter.”
I am so sad, so broken, and so useless. I just wish I could be more like you. So strong all of the time. I want to believe I can get there … but I can’t.
I am not stronger than you. If you believe you can get there, you will. It is OK to feel broken sometimes. It doesn’t make you less of a fighter.
“I want to spend my meager days in the healing of your embrace.”
I want out of these feelings of pain and uncertainty. I wish I could break away from them and start over. I have to give up on this suffering.
I can only heal because I know pain. I have learned to use pain to create hope. Without facing pain, I would never feel confidence and strength. You cannot shed experience, but you can grow.
“I just want to believe in potential. I just want to believe I am enough.”
I want to think that I am OK, and that this life actually means something. I want to think that I have things to accomplish and changes to make. I wish this was easy to believe, but it really isn’t. I hope that you can give me the strength I need to go on. Right now, I don’t have anything.
I wish you would believe; sometimes that’s all it takes. I have no greater potential than you, only the vision to see it. There is always enough hope in this world if you choose to recognize it. I know things seem hopeless, but please do not give up on finding your worth. To me, you shine so brightly.
This is a conversation that goes on in my own head, over and over. I can never really relate completely to one persona or the other, but I think that’s what makes me a learning, growing human being. This song has spoken to each side of myself and has brought them a little bit closer together. As time goes on, I hope to reach a harmonious spot between these two identities, accepting that it’s OK to be both a seeker and a source of help.